malefactor

“I hate to wake up.”

They cursed me tonight again.

 “I must be a really bad husband….i must be a really bad father” I thought. All I did was yelled at them and caused ruckus at home. i admit my mistake.

I ve tried many a times to be a better man. But I keep on crawling towards this heavenly “liquid”.

I remember the many times I had came home all drunk and ended up beating my wife and son. I went all wild and lost all my control. Once, I didn’t sleep that night. I was so sorry. Yet , I didn’t have the courage. Later,when they were asleep I sat beside them, my hands running through my wife’s lovely hurt hands. Her hands no longer have its softness. My  son…..he must have cried when he slept. His face was still wet.

“how could I have done that?”

“I should give up….i will change myself”

Yeah! That’s right, that was not the  first time or the last time I thought  that I would change myself.

I am a coward. I am not a man.

I did try hard. Honestly!

But “trying” wouldn’t satisfy them. How can they expect me to be changed overnight? They believe in miracles.

I refrained from the company I was keeping. I would go back home,with the day’s earning and help my wife. I would watch my son play.

They wanted more.  They were still not happy with what I  did. May be they have become used to all hateful emotions towards me. But I kept quiet and accepted everything.

Today  morning, my wife left my clothes again.  And as usual I washed them myself. I didn’t like to complain. I  am getting all the “bads” for all the “bads” I have done….and so I won’t complain.

I still had the malefactor in me. And I stole the money my wife saved.

My heart and soul were contented…..i drank and drank.

This time……I didn’t do anything. I went to my bed quietly. I know I have the”bad” in me. the most timid man lies in here…in me. i know I will never  be able to change myself. I know I will end up killing my family someday in future.

I wish I would never wake up tomorrow. It’s  2 O’clock in the morning….i still lay wide awake. Am I afraid to sleep just because my heart longs to never beat when I wake up tomorrow?

I am selfish till this last moment.